My Arrogant Opinion » Humor

Congress Makes Plans for Open Season on Pets

Unca Jake — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 18:15:35 +0000

Dateline Washington, June 26, 2009 Congress today has conducted a test vote for Cap and Trade, with the actual vote to take place later today. The bill currently before the House will effectively declare open season on house pets. With the threat of Global Warming looming over the Earth, BO – The President, says something drastic must be done!

This bill, will allow people to kill, read CAP, their neighbor’s pet and TRADE the carcass in on Carbon Tax Credits. At the present time it is uncertain what the actual dollar amount will be per pet mailed to Washington as it will be on a sliding scale with large active dogs being worth more than lazy kittens because of their potential for Carbon Dioxide release into the Atmosphere. It should be known that although aquariums will be on the bottom of the scale they will still be eligible for Carbon Tax Credits.

Not only will the neighbor’s pets be eligible, but road kill, hunted game animals, and animals trapped or poisoned at the home will all provide the diligent collector with plenty of Tax Credits so that BO’s – The President dream of tax reductions for everyone except the Uber Rich will become a reality. Hunters are already planning excursions to the artic for baby seal hunts, polar bear hunts, as well as reindeer and caribou. Conservative estimates indicate that within 10 years, the entire body of carbon emmiting animals could be eliminated above the Artic Circle, allowing it to return to its pristine state never before known.

While not eligible for full credits, abortion clinics will be able to claim partial carbon credits for each fetus successfully aborted. This will generate in the neighborhood of $215 billion dollars annually in tax credits. Hospitals will be able to claim a 1/8 credit for patients who die in surgery or through complications while the attending physician will also be able to claim 1/8 credit. The granting of partial credits only is to ensure that the doctors and hospitals continue to do everything within their power to keep patients alive.

While currently not enjoyed by many city dwellers, hunting is expected to grow in popularity as people become aware of the tremendous amount of dollars available to successful hunters. In the South alone, it is expected to provide upwards of $600 billion annually for the next 5-7 years and then start tapering off as wildlife counts start to dwindle. While not as lucrative, rat hunting in the major urban areas is expected to be a true growth industry for at least 10 years as more people get into the sport.

In a related story, legislation to strip Americans of their right to bear arms is being put on the slow track as thoughts are being bandied about in Washington on issuing permits to everyone who isn’t in jail at this current time.

A new day is dawning in America

But that’s just My Arrogant Opinion

Bloomberg Finally Gets Even With Childhood Chum

Unca Jake — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 21:04:13 +0000

Bloomberg chuckles to himself as he reflects on the ramifications of his ruling.

New York Mayor Bloomberg chuckles to himself as he thinks back to his school days and his boyhood chum Knuckles who invariably caught Bloomberg at the lunch table with the same old joke. Knuckles would loosen the top on the salt shaker before handing it over to ‘Bloomers’ Bloomberg who ended up dumping salt on his food and ruining it.

Bloomberg was overheard to say, “This will serve ol’ Knuckles right, and he will think twice about pulling that prank on anyone again.” This on the heels of a ruling that will force New Yorkers to give up salt over the next 10 years.

Like hundreds of thousands of terrified voices suddenly silenced…

Unca Jake — Sun, 18 May 2008 19:43:05 +0000

It was several weeks ago, I heard it plainly, but did not comprehend what it was I was hearing. It sounded like hundreds of thousand tiny voices screaming in terror suddenly cut short. I saw the news coverage of it this morning on CBS Sunday Morning. What I found hard to believe was that there was no outrage over the killings, no moral judgments being leveled at the killer. It seems that it all depends on the victims as to whether or not a public cry is made.

These weren’t starving children in Africa being slaughtered, they weren’t people at all. And no, not cute little puppies in some puppy mill in Southern California. These were the screams of an entire colony of ants as molten aluminum was poured into their homes and burrows. They were killed in order to excavate their tunnels and see what marvelous engineers they were. Emphasis on ‘were.’ They are no more as they were killed out to the very last ant.

Now had these been sea turtles, there would have been such a hue and cry as has seldom been heard, and don’t even consider what litigation would have been started had these been baby seals, or polar bears. A race horse being put down to end the suffering of two broken ankles brought PETA out of the woodwork, but not for these defenseless ants. Who speaks for them? Who will take the fight to protect the wild ants?

What hypocrisy! There were no Hollywood actors protesting their plight or raising money to prevent this from ever happening again. Just the remains of hundreds of thousands of tiny corpses surrounded by the aluminum that was the instrument of their demise.

But that’s just My Arrogant Opinion.